“Your picker’s broken” is often used to tell someone that they have a pattern of making bad choices, specifically in relationships. It suggests that the person to whom they are saying it keeps picking the wrong kind of people—whether it’s toxic partners, unreliable friends, or bad business associates. For years, I believed my picker was broken. People told me I just didn’t know how to choose the right partners. But I’ve come to realize—it’s not that my picker was broken; it’s that I was taught to tolerate the wrong people.

Raise your hand if anyone has ever told you that same thing. I have been told way more times than I care to count that my picker is just simply broken; Like some unfortunate defect that I inherited before birth. I was hopeless. It wasn’t just that my picker was broken, they were saying that I was broken, in my mind; Doomed to be paired with toxic partners for the rest of my life.

But, there is hope–and grace–for those of us who have a history of making bad choices. I promise. You aren’t broken. You’ve been conditioned. And, there is sweet freedom in knowing the difference.

THE MEME THAT GOT ME

I saw a meme the other day that said, you do not attract abusers, you were trained to tolerate them. I wanted to scream, “YES!!!!”. That made so much sense to me and was articulated so simply what I had been trying to say for so long.

I felt seen and understood–and, confirmed.

Probably seventeen years ago, I did an amazing marriage therapy program. Couples stayed an entire weekend at a campground to do two intensive days with licensed psychologists. My ex-husband was very abusive and this was our last resort at saving our marriage. At the end of counseling, my counselor pulled me aside and asked, “why do you put up with this stuff?”.

My response still surprises me to this day. I am surprised by my own naive awareness in that moment. I said, “I just have a broader threshold than others. All I have ever known and seen is abuse in relationships. I am able to put up with more than the normal person.” I almost said it as though it was a badge of honor; like I had this strength that gave me a depth to endure abuse that I was sure others would covet. I was the strongest. I was stronger than other women. Admire my strength.

This was just another way of saying that I was trained to tolerate abusers and abuse. Until the abuse got worse than I was use to did I start to recognize that I was in toxic relationships. Reading that meme shifted my focus from blame to understanding. This was not a personal flaw of mine, but rather patterns that I had accepted stemming from deep-rooted experiences in my life.

ROBBED OF SELF TRUST

The damage that a saying like this causes is this belief that ones own self cannot be trusted.

I got out of a very physically and emotionally abusive marriage in 2009. I spent the next three years solely focusing on being a mother and a provider. I did not date at all. And, then I decided to date a friend that I had causally been hanging out with in a small “divorcees” group. We dated for a year or so after that. There were several things that were clear red flags. I had spent so much time getting healthy and was starting to recognize things that I didn’t like in men. But, even voicing those red flags to family members, I was told: “You are use to choosing toxic men. You aren’t use to being with stable men.” and, essentially, that this was who I was supposed to be with because those particular family members liked this person.

I had so much pinned up shame around my romantic relationships that I immediately cowered at the suggestion that I didn’t know what I did and did not want. Or, that I was not a healthy enough person to be attracted to someone good for me. I had worked really hard at getting healthy; but during that work, I had obviously not worked hard enough on trusting my own self, my own instincts and filtering out outside voices that contradicted that work. Because, I did end up marrying this person. And, this marriage took the hardest toll on my mental health. I should have trusted myself and the red flags that I saw.

But, I didn’t.

I trusted the voices that said that I was just too broken to make healthy choices for myself. And, this is very dangerous because this re-victimizes the victim and doesn’t hold abusers responsible for their behaviors. This helps perpetuate ongoing cycles of toxic relationship hopping. And, this oversimplifies complex patterns of trauma and conditioning.

THE TRUTH BEHIND “BROKEN PICKERS”: WHY DO WE CHOOSE TOXIC PARTNERS?

Early Conditioning & Learned Behaviors

Our childhood, family dynamics, or past relationships shape tolerance for red flags. Though I love my parents deeply, I grew up in a very toxic home. My parents fought. That’s just what they did. I never felt like my parents truly loved one another until my father was dying with cancer. It was then that he started to openly express love for my mother. To see my parents show love and affection for one another while I was growing up was a true oddity. As well, they never modeled “healthy fighting”. I never saw conflict resolution. I heard horrible things and I saw horrible things. That was my childhood.

I vowed that I would never be the partner in a relationship like theirs.

But, when I started to meet men and choose partners I gauged them on whether or not they created less chaos than my parents did, not whether or not they were healthy. So, to begin, the men in my life had a very lax starting line. I put up with a lot of toxic behavior straight out of the gate so long as it wasn’t as toxic as my own parents were. And, since romantic partners are usually showing you their best self in the beginning years of a relationship, I was invested long before I realized the danger that I was in.

How religion contributes to toxic relationships

I was raised in a very religious family. Spirituality is a beautiful thing, however, religion as an institution can be very dangerous. In my own experience, religion played a major role in my staying in toxic and abusive relationships. Too, religion played a major role in rushing me into relationships that should have been explored longer.

If you are someone who believes that one should not have sex before marriage, you can be very susceptible to rushing into marriage. Being sexually attracted to the opposite sex is a natural thing. Sexual attraction is not a sign that two people should share their lives with one another. In my life, this idea has forced me to invest in relationships before I had time to see the true red flags that would cause many years of hardship later on.

I’ve learned to separate my personal spirituality from the rigid doctrines that once dictated my choices. Now, I prioritize self-awareness, emotional compatibility, and the time necessary to truly understand a partner before making long-term commitments. I no longer equate attraction or external pressures with readiness for marriage. Instead, I trust my own judgment, value my personal growth, and recognize that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values, and emotional safety—not just a set of rules imposed by others.

The Fawn Response & People-Pleasing

Being kind and forgiving makes you vulnerable to manipulation. Oftentimes, when you grow up in an abusive or toxic household, especially, you either internalize that everything is your fault or that you have to keep the peace for everyone around you. Both of these mindsets can design you into someone who is overly nice or someone who gives too much grace and tolerates more than someone raised in a healthy environment.

The Role of Trauma Bonds & Familiarity

Chaos can feel like “home” when it’s all you’ve known.

I think that speaks for itself.

It wasn’t until I got into relationship with my current boyfriend that I had my big “ah-ha” moment. That is when I had my epiphany. When I felt and experienced a healthy relationship for the first time I was a changed woman. I don’t imagine that I will ever be able to be in a toxic relationship ever again. Knowing what healthy relationships are supposed to look like on a piece of paper is far different from experiencing a healthy relationship in action.

Knowing that there are people in the world who respect themselves, who can share in a healthy dialogue with you, who don’t–and won’t–put their hands on you in anger and who will love you and treat you like a cherished prize has changed me forever.

I know what love is supposed to feel like for the first time in nearly fifty years.

And, being able to implement all of the healthy skills that I have learned over the years and those being reciprocated by my partner reaffirmed to me that I had no hope in my previous relationships; I was behind the 8 ball, as they say. I didn’t have a chance. And, it wasn’t about me. It was about them.

In this relationship I am able to shine and be who I look at in the mirror each and every day. I get to be the girl who has sat for hours upon hours upon hours with therapists and counselors of all types and put in the hard work to be a healthy partner, myself.

I get to change patterns and I get to rewrite my love story.

HOW TO REBUILD TRUST IN YOUR OWN JUDGMENT

Recognizing the Patterns

The beginning of trusting ones own self is to learn why we do what we do. Once we recognize the patterns of red flags in our past partners we can start to see them more clearly in new ones. What were the common red flags you overlooked?

Next it is important to ask: “Why do I attract toxic partners?”. I don’t even like that question though. I think a better question, which takes the blame off of the victim, is: “Why do toxic partners feel comfortable with me?”. What I am saying or doing that makes them feel comfortable being abusive?

Setting & Enforcing Boundaries

The next step after recognizing a “broken picker” is setting boundaries. Learning to require respect instead of simply hoping for it is essential. In my current relationship, my boyfriend is the first partner I’ve had who is a dismissive avoidant—his instinct in conflict is to withdraw. This was completely different from what I was used to. My past partners were aggressive, passive-aggressive, or even physically abusive. While dismissive avoidance comes with its own challenges, it gave me the safety to hold my own boundaries instead of being manipulated or forced to abandon them.

My boyfriend also has deep respect for himself, which means he has his own boundaries—ones that he upholds and expects me to honor as well. That mutual respect has been life-changing for me.

For the first time, I’ve been able to say, “If you leave, we are done. I will not chase. I will not beg. You need to choose to stay and work through issues together.” And luckily, he has chosen to do just that.

As a lifelong people-pleaser, I was once highly susceptible to the toxic cycle—partners who hurt me, begged for forgiveness, made empty promises, then started the cycle all over again. Over time, this kind of dynamic erodes boundaries completely—until you have none left. Until you have no hope left. Until you have no self-respect left.

Trusting Your Gut Again

Rebuilding self-confidence in your ability to choose healthy relationships will take time, but it will come. The key is to remind yourself that you are not broken—you were simply taught patterns that no longer serve you. Choosing bad partners is not who you are; it is what you learned. And just as we can be conditioned to tolerate toxicity, we can also be conditioned to reject it.

One of the biggest steps in this process is learning to trust your gut again. Abuse, manipulation, and unhealthy dynamics teach us to second-guess ourselves—to ignore the inner voice that warns us something is off. Part of healing is reconnecting with that voice and honoring it. Instead of asking, “Am I overreacting?” or “Am I expecting too much?” shift the question to: “Does this align with what I truly want and deserve?”

Recognizing red flags earlier and walking away faster is not just a sign of wisdom—it’s proof that you are rewiring your instincts. With time, you’ll notice that healthy relationships don’t feel like a rollercoaster. They feel steady. They feel safe. And most importantly, they feel like a choice you are making—not a trap you’ve fallen into.

PROOF THAT YOU ARE HEALING

Healing from toxic relationships isn’t just about leaving the past behind—it’s about stepping into a new version of yourself, one that no longer settles for less than they deserve. At first, healing might feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, but over time, you’ll notice a shift in the way you think, feel, and respond to relationships. Here are a few signs that you’re no longer repeating old patterns and are instead building a healthier, more empowered future:

• You’re no longer willing to negotiate your worth.
• You feel safe, valued, and respected in relationships.
• You prioritize how you feel in a relationship over how it “looks” to others.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR VALUE AND RECLAIMING YOUR POWER

The ability to choose healthy love is a skill, not a flaw.

What’s one way you’ve learned to trust yourself again? I am so excited to hear what your responses are. Will you please let me know how you answer this question in the comment section below?