July 16, 2024
As a mother of five boys, I’ve gained extensive experience in raising sons, navigating both triumphs and challenges. I’ve parented with a partner and as a single mom, raising my five biological sons and three stepsons. I want to share my insights with parents just starting this journey or those dealing with teenage struggles. My goal is to offer practical advice drawn from my highs and lows, providing the best tips on the subtle art of raising healthy, well-rounded sons.
Raising a boy is challenging but essential. In a world filled with negative influences, providing a positive and secure foundation is crucial. This guide aims to help you become a supportive guide and teacher, fostering a strong, lifelong relationship with your son.
THE 4 PARENTING STYLES
- AUTHORITARIAN
- AUTHORITATIVE
- PERMISSIVE
- UNINVOLVED / NEGLECTFUL
CNBC has a great article defining and explaining the four parenting styles, but I want us to focus on The Authoritative Parenting style. This style is associated with the following characteristics:
- Sets well communicated rules and expectations for children while offering flexibility, too
- Communicates on all topics well and regularly.
- Allows consequences to behaviors–both bad and good behavior.
THE HEALTHIEST PARENTING STYLE
AUTHORITATIVE
Francyne Zeltser wrote for CNBC defining the Authoritative parent as “…nurturing, supportive and often in tune with their children’s needs. They guide their children through open and honest discussions to teach values and reasoning. Kids who have authoritative parents tend to be self-disciplined and can think for themselves”.
It’s crucial to decide the type of parent you want to be before having children. However, if you’re already a parent, it’s never too late to reassess and adjust your parenting approach. Parenting with purpose is essential, as the results of your efforts may only become evident after many years.
I often tell my children and friends: I’m not parenting for today but for their future. I want them to appreciate that I didn’t seek their friendship or approval but aimed to teach them vital life skills.
Consider your own upbringing. Which of the four parenting styles did your parents use, and how does that influence your approach? Often, we unconsciously replicate our parents’ methods.
HOME LIFE 101
Today is the perfect time to reassess and make critical changes. Experiencing multiple marriages–and divorces, twelve children called my house their home . I didn’t realize the impact of these experiences on my biological kids or my step children until they became adults, making it too late to correct past mistakes. The best I can do now is help give you tools to create a solid foundation for your own children.
Start by evaluating if your relationships are healthy. If I had viewed my relationships more practically, I could have avoided much heartache for myself and my children. Choose a reliable co-parent who can be a positive role model. Your behavior sets the example for your children, who learn life lessons by observing you.
Most life lessons will be learned just by watching how the two of you interact with each other and interact with the world in your everyday lives.
It’s crucial to provide a safe environment for your children to develop mentally and emotionally.
FAMILY DYNAMICS
Another good idea is to take an inventory of your family dynamics.
- Are you a family who loves to travel, read or play sports?
- Do you plan to have a small or large family?
- Will your children be close in age or far apart?
For example, if your family loves sports but your son prefers reading and engineering, how will you support his interests? Or, if you have a large family and a son with anxiety who needs space, how will you accommodate his needs?
Acknowledging that your children may have different interests and needs is crucial for building a healthy, trusting relationship.
QUALITY TIME
Spending quality time with your son early on helps him feel valued and establishes his important role within the family. Like team-building activities in companies, family activities build trust, loyalty, and a sense of community.
Families should spend time together working toward common goals, fostering loyalty, stability, and social skills. These activities can be as simple as playing board games, stacking wood, or writing a grocery list together.
Starting these practices early creates a sense of belonging and teamwork, making it easier to maintain a connection as they grow older. Sons often pull away as they grow, so instilling a sense of community early is crucial.
SET UP YOUR GAME PLAN
It’s important to present a unified front for your sons. Whether you and your partner live together or are married, agreeing on a parenting approach is essential.
- What are your rules on electronics and social media? Bedtimes?
- How will you handle negative behavior?
- Do you agree on what constitutes ‘negative behavior’?
- Do you believe in corporal punishment or positive reinforcement?
If you and your partner struggle with communication, how will you model this for your children? Consistency is key when raising boys, so ensure you are on the same page.
ARE MOMS AND DADS DIFFERENT IN RAISING BOYS?
We all know the stereotypes: moms are overly emotional and “crazy,” while dads are too aggressive, strict, and “mean.” However, these stereotypes don’t reflect reality. My children have two different fathers—one permissive, the other authoritarian. Similarly, I’ve seen moms who are either very permissive or very strict.
I’ve witnessed the damage both extremes can cause to sons. As a single mom for much of my children’s lives, I had to be both mom and dad. I developed a thick skin and learned to balance my parenting styles, raising “men” sometimes entirely on my own.
HOW DO MOMS RAISE BOYS?
Often, especially when a dad is not present, moms may resort to two parenting styles:
Helicopter Mom: Overbearing and overprotective, leading to fragile boys with high anxiety and depression. Gottman Institute notes that helicopter parenting is linked to poor emotional, decision-making, and academic functioning.
An article from the Gottman Institute states “Results showed that higher overall helicopter parenting scores were associated with stronger symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Snowplow Mom: Clears all obstacles from her child’s path, preventing them from learning problem-solving skills, consequences, and self-regulation.
This article from International School Parent offers a very insightful bullet point list of characteristics associated with both the Helicopter and Snowplow mom (they call “snowplow”, the “lawnmower” parent, though).
Avoid these styles to foster resilience and independence in your sons. Instead, strive for a balanced approach that encourages growth and self-sufficiency.
WHAT DO BOYS NEED FROM THEIR MOTHERS?
In my experience, these are the things that I have found boys to need from their mothers:
- A mother should maintain emotional stability, avoiding extreme highs and lows.
- Sons need space to grow, limiting public displays of affection past seventh grade or when they express discomfort. Be relatable by understanding your child’s interests and friends.
- Stay present and involved in their extracurricular activities and be reliable, like picking them up on time.
- If separated from his father, speak neutrally about him in your son’s presence to avoid alienation.
- Communicate with your son like a young adult, not a child.
- Allow them to gain independence naturally and face the consequences of their choices while providing guidance.
- Set clear rules and boundaries, as boys thrive on structure and discipline.
- Maintain consistency and firmness to earn their respect and avoid being perceived as a pushover.
Something that I personally try to do is adventure with my sons often. I do my best to hold my own with them, displaying strength and courage so that I can be more relatable to them.
HOW DO YOU RAISE A PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY CHILD?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one in five adolescents suffer from a mental illness, and many of these conditions go untreated, largely due to stigma. This needs to change.
As a parent, you play a vital role in your child’s mental health. You can help by educating them about the signs of mental illness and how to seek help, modeling healthy coping mechanisms, promoting positive self-esteem, and teaching self-regulation techniques.
Here are some tips on how to raise a psychologically healthy child:
- 1. Be emotionally supportive and available.
- 2. Encourage open communication.
- 3. Provide a stable and safe environment.
- 4. Teach problem-solving skills.
- 5. Foster a sense of independence while offering guidance.
Here are some tips on how to raise a psychologically healthy child:
Talk to your child about mental health
Mental health should be seen as a normal part of life, just like physical health. Talk to your child about what mental health is and why it’s important to take care of our mental wellbeing.
Teach your child about the signs of mental illness
It’s important that your child knows the signs of mental illness so that they can seek help if they need it. Some common signs of mental illness in adolescents include changes in mood, withdraw from friends and activities, changes in eating or sleeping habits, disappearing into video games, and difficulty concentrating.
Promote positive self-esteem
One of the best things you can do for your child’s mental health is to promote positive self-esteem. Help them to focus on their strengths and unique qualities. Encourage them to set realistic goals and celebrate their accomplishments.
Model healthy coping mechanisms
It’s important for your child to see you coping in a healthy way with the stressors in your life. Show them that it’s okay to ask for help when we’re struggling. Teach them healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, journaling, and relaxation techniques.
Encourage your child to seek help if they need it
If your child shows signs of mental illness, encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional. Treatment can be highly effective for adolescents coping with mental health issues.
By discussing mental health, teaching them to recognize signs of mental illness (especially depression), and promoting positive self-esteem, you can help them achieve psychological well-being.
Do not ignore mental health warnings. My stepson tragically completed suicide at eighteen (My stepson completed suicide). From personal experience, take all warning signs seriously.
IS RAISING A BOY HARDER THAN RAISING A GIRL?
I would emphatically say, NO!
I was made for raising boys; and, can handle broken bones, split heads, and messy rooms far better than dealing with a girl’s emotional meltdowns or whining.
Girls can be challenging through high school, whereas boys are usually low drama. However, when they leave home, girls often become their mom’s best friend. Boys, on the other hand, tend to forge their own path and move away, often influenced further by their partners.
My advice is to cherish the time with your sons while they are at home; you will be their sunshine for eighteen years. Enjoy every moment, as they won’t stay little forever.
IS RAISING BOYS DIFFERENT THAN RAISING GIRLS?
Parenting boys is different from parenting girls. Boys are often more active and less verbal, making communication a challenge. They tend to take more risks and get into trouble, but there are ways to help them thrive.
Communication is key. Talk to your son about everything—school, girls, hobbies—to understand him better. Boys are physical and need to release energy through positive activities like sports or outdoor play to avoid negative behaviors.
Teach your son how to handle failure. Boys often feel pressured to be perfect, but it’s important to learn from mistakes. This lesson will benefit him throughout life.
THE BEST WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SON
A very important piece of advice to remember is that if you try to force communication with a boy, you are going to get the one-word answers.
I dread the one-word answer.
Having five sons, I get this a lot!
The key to getting a boy to talk is to start an activity with them. Boys are very competitive and need to physically move their bodies.
If you do something that has a little competition to it and gets them moving or their brain engaged, their mouths will follow.
And, then do your best to have meaningful conversations –something with some substance. Teaching your sons have to have substantive conversation will not only pay you dividends, but it will serve him well with other adults, too.
Make communication a priority in your relationship and work to find ways to connect with him on a daily basis.
Become and amazing LISTENER.
Be patient when communicating with your son and be willing to listen to what he has to say.
Ultimately, the best way to communicate with your son is to show him that you love and care about him.
HOW DO I RAISE A GOOD, RESPECTFUL SON?
Boys are a handful. They’re active, mischievous, and sometimes downright destructive.
But they’re also wonderful, charming, and full of life. As a parent of boys, you know that raising them can be both a challenge and a joy.
Encourage positive communication
Teach your son how to express his emotions in a healthy way. Model positive communication yourself and discourage Put-downs, name-calling, or other negative speech.
Set limits and enforce consequences
Boys need boundaries to feel safe and secure. Be consistent with setting limits and enforcing consequences for bad behavior. This will help your son learn self-control and understand what is expected of him.
Model Respect
Treat your son with respect and teach him to treat others with respect as well. Show him how to show empathy and compassion towards others, even if they don’t share the same interests or views.
Encourage connection
As mentioned above, boys are typically less verbal than girls. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings or emotions – they just express them differently. Encourage your son to communicate with you by talking about his day, his hobbies or anything else on his mind and ask if you can get involved with something he is doing. Or, invite him to participate in something that you are doing.
IMPORTANT PARENTING SKILLS FOR RAISING BOYS
Here are some tips for raising healthy, happy boys:
Encourage physical activity. Boys are naturally active and need to burn off energy. Encourage them to play sports or get involved in other activities like hiking or biking.
Create structure and routines.
Boys thrive on routine and benefit from having clear expectations set for them.
Create a daily schedule that includes time for homework, chores, and playtime.
Stick to the schedule as much as possible to provide your son with a sense of stability and security.
HOW TO SURVIVE THE TEENAGE YEARS
Boys will be boys, right?
Wrong.
Boys will be boys if you let them – but if you want to raise healthy, happy and successful young men, then it’s up to you to set the tone and guide them in the right direction.
Emphasize empathy
Teach your son to put himself in other people’s shoes. Help him to understand how his actions might affect others. This is an important skill that will help him throughout his life.
It is not impossible to enjoy a very blessed teenage cycle with your son(s).
With the right techniques and strategies, you can survive the teenage years and even come out the other side with a healthy, happy son.
Communicate openly and honestly
This is important for all families, but it’s especially vital when you’re dealing with teenage boys. They need to know that they can come to you with anything, no matter what it is.
Be patient
Teenage boys can be frustrating, to say the least. But, it’s important to remember that they’re going through a lot of changes and they don’t always know how to deal with them. So, be patient and try to understand where they’re coming from.
Boys are amazing creatures. They are full of energy and life. As the parent of a son, you know this all too well. You love your boy with all your heart but there are days when you feel like pulling your hair out.
HOW TO DEAL WITH TEENAGE HORMONES
Parenting isn’t easy, and dealing with teenage boys can be especially challenging due to mood swings and hormones. The teenage years are tough for both parents and teens as boys’ bodies undergo significant changes.
To help your son, stay calm, understanding, and supportive. Instead, be there when he needs you, and educate yourself about what to expect during the teenage years.
When my oldest son started showing aggression and rebellious behavior, I was unprepared. After that experience, I talked to each of my sons about the hormonal changes they would face, advising them to stay respectful and patient. This approach seemed to work well.
SEX
This is a very hard topic to address with some people, I know. I come from a very religious background and from a family where it was taboo to talk about sex–at all.
Needless to say, I had my head in the sand with my first son.
Here’s the reality: boys will start to masturbate once they hit puberty. It’s just a fact.
Your son will want to keep his door closed and locked more. Give him some privacy. Assuredly, there is nothing more traumatic for your son–and, for you–than to catch him in a private moment.
And, don’t punish him, if you do.
If you choose to raise your sons to view masturbation as wrong, for religious reasons, communicate with your son(s) very gingerly. Certainly, The last thing that you want to do is to put rejection on them. Rejection is a far worse beast!
As well, they will be very attracted to the opposite sex. You need to start aggressively teaching your son(s) about healthy sex mindsets, how to treat teenage girls, that no means no…all of that.
Coincidentally, My turning point was when I had to go on testosterone for a medical reason; My sex drive quadrupled! And, I learned a lot of compassion for these poor teenage boys.
It is hormonal. They aren’t being bad. Those hormones are relentless.
SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH TEENAGE REBELLION
Parenting teen boys requires a mix of wisdom, discipline, and understanding of science. Hormones play a crucial role, but understanding brain development is also essential.
According to Raisingchildren.net.au, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, is still developing in teens, leading them to rely more on the amygdala, which is linked to emotions, impulses, and aggression.
Teen years are challenging as boys test their independence and push against authority, leading to potential bad decisions. Parents must handle rebellion constructively, discuss peer pressure, and set protective rules and boundaries.
Some tips for dealing with teenage rebellion include:
- Establish clear rules and expectations to reduce rebellion.
- Allow your teen the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.
- Stay calm when they act out, avoiding arguments and focusing on common ground.
- Avoid power struggles, resolving disagreements calmly and constructively.
- Seek professional help if needed.
- Stay positive by recognizing the good in being a teenager.
- Be consistent in enforcing rules and expectations, following through on what you say to build trust and stability.
Parenting a boy is not always easy–especially if you are doing it as a single-parent. There will be days when you feel like you’re at your wit’s end raising boys. But, the rewards are more than worth it. Your son will grow into a strong, confident man who is ready to take on the world. And, that will be satisfaction enough!
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